Life Gets Better, Getting Better at Life
by catherineeellen
Summary: Join Katniss and Peeta with their life after Mockingjay as they try to re-build their friendship and eventually fall in love.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! This is my second fan fiction and I'm really pleased with the response I got from my other fan fiction 'Facing Life Together', I am still in the process of writing that one too so if you are following that one there will be an update very soon;) Thank you to everyone who does read my other fanfiction it means so much that you are also following this one! Also to any new readers, hello and thank you for reading, it would mean so much to me if you follow this story as I really enjoyed writing this first chapter and I can't wait to see what you all think of it! Sooo here is Chapter 1...**

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Empty. That's how I feel, empty. I have nobody to love, nobody to care about, even my sister is dead. It's all I can do not to reach out for the bottle of painkillers that sit in my kitchen and shove every single one into my mouth. I'm not even strong enough to kill myself, every time I try I get scared. Katniss Everdeen the Mockingjay, a girl who thought she could save the world, what a joke that turned out to be. My sister - she's dead. Haymitch -probably passed out drunk somewhere. Gale - he's in District 2. My Mother - she abandoned me. Peeta - I don't know. I haven't heard off him or any of his doctors in three months, I don't even know if he's still recovering from his hijacking experience. The chances are he saw me for who I am, decided he doesn't want anything to do me and is living in a different district. I miss him; I miss him so much, why did I take him and his love for granted? It takes him not being around for me to realise how much he means to me and that proves to anyone what I really am, a selfish, vile girl and I hate myself.

Here I am slumped against the wall with tears streaming down my face. Only Greasy Sae calling me through the letterbox pulls me out of my trance.

''Katniss? Katniss dear I know you're in there, please let me in, I have a hot stew for you'' My instincts tell me to ignore the door, eventually she'll go away but I know I'll have to answer, Greasy Sae is the only person who seems to notice I'm here, the only person who takes care of me. Every day she visits to check how I am, always with a dish of something for me to eat and I should be more grateful for her. Unwillingly I retract from my slumped position against the wall and head to door tears still streaming down my cheeks.

''Katniss are you ok?'' Greasy Sae asks clearly seeing my tear stricken face, she widens her arms and without hesitation I walk straight into her embrace.

''No – No I'm not, I miss them all, I miss them all so much'' I manage to get out between my sobs

''I know you do dear'' she replies ''...but Katniss, the past is the past, and no matter where they are, I'm sure they all still love you deeply, never ever forget that. Now dear, wipe those tears and get this stew into your stomach'' she leads me to the table and places a bowl of potato stew in front of me. As delicious as it looks I'm not in the mood for eating, I never am.

Two hours quickly pass and I'm almost finished my now cold stew. How ridiculous, I now need motivation from Greasy Sae to finish my meal instead of just staring at it and circling my fork in the bowl. I get up from the table and head to the window. I take a deep breath and draw the curtains apart for what feels like the first time in forever. The light almost blinds me so I have to squint as I gaze at the newly rebuilt District 12. It looks astonishing; to think that only a few months ago the place was a wreck is almost unbelievable. Greasy Sae emerges behind me, ''you know they've finished building the village shops'' she says ''you should go and take a look, the district is going to really benefit from them''

''That's good, do you know who will be running the bakery now?'' I ask

''No Katniss love I don't but I have heard that a youngish man has bought it, I'm sorry, I know you thought Peeta would return and run it''

''I guess he really has gone hasn't he?'' I sigh trying desperately to hold back the tears

''Maybe Katniss, but he might return one day and you two can live happily together, you both deserve each other''

Under my breath I murmur ''I don't''

* * *

A week later I decide to go outside for the first time in at least a month. District 12 was only bombed barely 6 months ago and already I can see the promise of new life. Flower buds have begun sprouting through the ground in the meadows, people have found a newfound purpose to live and have begun rebuilding their lives. Even I, Katniss Everdeen can't help but feel proud of how much us citizens of District 12 - the broken people, fight for purpose.

I turn the corner and there it stands, the bakery Peeta's family once owned. It looks exactly as it did before the bombing only a rebuilt version. The white sign with red writing reading 'Bakery' still stands, there are five windows still at the front of the bakery showing off a presentation of cakes and cookies. Without even reslising I was edging forward, I find myself standing at the door, my hand on the handle; I take a deep breath and push it down ready to enter until all the memories come flooding back to me...

_I'm sat next to the tree opposite the bakery dying. Myself and my families stomachs are empty, we haven't eaten in weeks, this is it. This is the day I failed my family. I hear shouting and harsh words, the bakers wife drags a boy with blonde hair out of the door, he's holding two loafs of burnt bread. She slaps him across the cheek and tells him to feed the burnt bread to the pigs and returns inside to the warmth of the bakery. Slowly, the boy picks off bits of the bread and throws it into the pigs pen. Then the two loaves are thrown in my direction then without even looking at me, the boy returns inside the bakery. _

I can't do it, I can't bring myself to push the door and enter the bakery. It reminds me too much of Peeta and I couldn't face all those memories of the boy with the bread, the boy I love, the boy who once loved me.

I turn around and proceed down the steps that lead up to bakery, I keep my head down as tears threaten to spill from my eyes. As I run back home I feel my shoulder bash into someone.

''Sorry I didn't-'' I look up and find myself staring into the blue eyes that can only belong to one person, Peeta.

**Soo that's Chapter 1, sorry I left you on a cliffhanger there;) I wanted Katniss and Peeta's 'reunion' to be a separate chapter plus I like leaving you in suspense hehehe;) Chapter 2 will be uploaded later today or tomorrow and depending on the response I get for the first 3 chapters I'll decide whether or not to continue the story. Please please follow the story and review so I can hear what you thought about the first chapter. Well until chapter 2 I'll leave you with a smiley face and virtual cookies hehe:) **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank You to everyone who has read Chapter 1 so far, you make me happy:P I'm not going to include too much of an author's note at the start this time (whoop whoop) I'm just going to go straight to chapter 2...**

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''Peeta?'' I look at him trying to take in every detail, his eyes, his nose, his lips. I want to see if really him, if it's really Peeta, the old Peeta.

''Katniss?'' hearing his voice makes my heart skip a beat, so delicate yet so pure, he sounds just like he did before the hijacking.

''It's really you. You're really back'' The disbelief in my voice makes me feel so weak.

''Yeah it's me, I'm back'' he edges towards me but I take a step back, he seems to notice ''It's me Katniss, the real me, the real Peeta Mellark, the one who loved you before the hijacking'' Loved? What does he mean? Is he telling me he still loves me just like he once did? Or is he using the word in the past tense as if to say he once loved me and now he doesn't. And how am I supposed to react to his return? Anger is what I should feel, concluding the fact that I haven't heard off him for months. He left me, he left me wondering about our future, our past, made me realise that I- that I am in love with him. Instead all I feel is relief, relief that he's here again. Just seeing his face and hearing voice have caused a sheet of comfort to overwhelm me, comfort that I haven't felt in months. I can't deny I've missed him but why didn't he call me? Inform me about his return? I want him to feel guilty for his absence.

''You never called me Peeta! You left me here on my own reminiscing on what we once had, on how you once were. I thought you moved away, that you saw me for who I am and decided to move to another district!'' My voice fades to an almost silent whisper ''...I thought you loved me''

Peeta moves close towards me, he seems hesitant at first but then places his arms on my waist he wraps then around me and pulls him close to me. Resting him and his embrace I keep my arm firmly fixed by side. But I give in, even the stubborn part of me can't deny how starved I've been for human closeness.

''I know Katniss, I'm so sorry I didn't call you...'' he loosens his grip on me ''I just needed time to recover from the hijacking, I needed to become aware of who I am and think through whether or not I would return here, where I would take the rest of my life'' He takes a deep breath ''...I needed to be sure of how I felt about you'' the tone of his voice scares me but I let him continue ''...I do- I did love you but now-''

I pull away from him...

''You did love me? But you don't now?''

''I don't know Katniss I'm so sorry, like I said I needed to be sure of how I felt about you but I never actually figured it out. I sat up night after night thinking about you and how badly I wanted to see you. Thought would come flooding back to me, the nights in the cave, the quarter quell. I remember how much I loved you and that's when I realised I might have felt that way again but-'' He hesitates

''But what?''

''But then the memories from the hijacking would overpower me and I'd remember how you tried to kill me, how I thought you were a mutt, how you bombed the district''

''But Peeta those things weren't real, you were made the believe horrible things about me and your life but they were all false'' My squeaky voice cracks at every word

''I'm sorry Katniss, there's something there though, there is. I just don't know if it's love or not I'm so sorry, besides you don't love me, you never did.'' His eyes fall to the ground, I can't help but feel guilty for pretending I loved him in the first games, but that faking turned into something real and pure, something to treasure. I do love him, I love him so much but what's the point in telling him when he no longer loves me its best I keep my feelings to myself, I don't think I could tolerate the rejection. The realisation of what he just said sinks in _the boy with the bread, he doesn't love me anymore. _I feel my heart sink to the ground. Is this really how I made him feel when I told him it was all for the games? Is this really what it feels like to be heartbroken?

I want him to love me again, I want him to know just how sorry I am and how much I've missed him. It seems selfish yes, but that's what I am isn't it? A selfish manipulative girl, no wonder he doesn't love me anymore.

''I guess I'll see you around then'' I say in as much positiveness as I can, I don't want him to see the heartbreak I feel.

''Yeah...I'll see you around'' he says in a gentle tone

I turn my back towards him and proceed to my house as a tear slips down my cheek. I want him to run after me, to kiss be with a burning passion and tell me he was only joking. He doesn't.

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**...and chapter 2 has come to a close. Awww poor Katniss *sad face* how can Peeta not love her anymore?!:O Chapter 3 will be uploaded in a few days and if you are loving the story I'll decide to continue. Please Please Pleaseeee review and let me know what you think. I'd love to hear some of your ideas on how Peeta should realise he loves Katniss again cause I mean of course he will, how can we not have him loving her?;) Until chapter 3 I bid you bye bye **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again! Thank You to everyone who has read and followed the story so far, I always feel really happy when I get an email through on my phone saying someone has followed my story, eeekk. I will admit...I've had writers block, I know where I wanted to go with this chapter but writing it up...it was tough work. But it's done now (phew) and I hope you all like this chapter. Also after you have finished reading this chapter please read the Authors note at the bottom, it's important. Without further ado here's chapter 3;)**

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I fruitlessly look over towards Peeta's house, checking that he's still here in District 12, that he's still with me even though I haven't spoken to him since our conversation outside the bakery almost a month ago. He's the only light that shines in my life, and even that light is dimming.

He lingers on my mind most hours of my day, I wonder what he's doing, what he's feeling, if he's thinking of me. It's these times I'll wander over to the window and look at over his house. Occasionally I'll see a light from his windows, his shadow reflecting off the walls in his kitchen. Every now and then the nearby air will smell of bread of warmth telling me he's been spending his spare hours baking.

I'll sometimes see him leaving his house in the morning as he heads off into town, I wonder if he can sense I'm watching since he rarely looks in my direction, but often his head will turn towards me, his blue eyes will lock with mine for a few seconds and even if it's only for a moment I feel warmth spread through me. That's until he reverses his gaze and carries on walking off into the distance.

Greasy Sae tells me he's made a good life for himself since his return, he was in fact the young man who bought the bakery and apparently it's a great success; he goes on home runs every evening delivering bread to those who cannot make it to the bakery. He'll give the bread free of charge to families of those who are ill or suffering, cookies will be freshly baked everyday for the children who wander out of school feeling rather hungry. Typical Peeta. Despite all the scars he has visible and invisible, he's still the same caring, loving and strong boy who was burning bright before he was reaped and broken beyond repair.

I can't help but wonder if he's lonely all alone in that big house just as I am, he has no-one, no-one to call family. I suppose I don't either but then again, I wasn't hi-jacked and twisted completely. I wonder if it drives him mad trying to cover up the cracks in his life and appearing as the friendly and happy Peeta in front of customers everyday, he's probably just as ruined as I am, at least I don't have to pretend I'm fine when I'm truly not, at least I can be the real and broken Katniss. To be quite honest, I don't even know why he returned to District 12 where so many bad memories for him lie but then again I suppose he feels just as I feel; District 12 is his only _real _home. At least he's moving on with his life and not reminiscing on the past, as Dr. Aurelius tells us to think – forward.

I refuse to believe that will never grow together again, I couldn't bare it if he was never to speak another word to me again. I crave his closeness, his comfort, his touch. If only he would reach out to me.

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Another two weeks pass until I make contact with him again, I'm sat on my sofa staring into nowhere when I hear a knock on the door. I assume it's Greasy Sae but I stand breathlessly when I see him standing in my doorway. We stand there in silence for a few moments making direct eye contact.

''Hey'' He finally speaks, it takes me a few moments to find my reply

''Hi'' I whisper, I see he's holding a loaf of bread in one hand and bag of cheese buns in the other.

''I err...thought you might like these'' he says as he gestures for me to take the loaves.

''Thanks'' I say as I take the bread from him, again for a few moments we stand there in silence.

''So can I come in?'' he asks, I nod and move aside so he has enough room to get past me

''Did you want something?'' I ask avoiding his gaze. I can't help but feel uncomfortable that he's here in my house when I haven't been this close to him in so long but at the same time the butterflies are fluttering in my stomach.

''No'' he says staring at me ''I just needed to see you''

''Oh'' is all I can think of to say ''Why?''

''I'm so confused Katniss'' he says as he sits down on the sofa, I place myself next to him

''About what?'' I ask

''You'' I don't say anything, I know he's going to continue... ''I wake up every morning thinking about you but I can't work out why. There's times when I wake up and feel something towards you and I feel a fire and passion burning in my heart and realise that I still love you and that love never went away. But then the tracker jacker venom will take over and feel nothing towards you and I feel that your just the girl that lives next door to me that means nothing.'' Hearing him say that I mean nothing to him makes my heart sink, but I refuse to believe this and hope to God that its only the tracker jacker venom speaking. He continues ''I'm just so confused, I don't know how I feel anymore and I wanted to see if coming here to see you would organise up my feelings so I can reach my hearts true feelings.''

''Well?..'' I ask

''I don't know Katniss, when you answered the door my heart jumped but then I felt nothing, I want to love you but I want to truly feel it if I do, I don't want to say I love you when I don't mean it'' I can't help but feel guilty about the time in the first arena. He looks at me as if he wants my advice...

''Well, I've never been good at giving advice but all I can say is look deeper, feel deeper. Think about how you feel when you think that you love me. Think about all the memories we've shared together, in the cave, the victory tour, the quarter quell. Just think about how you feel when all the happy times we share seep into your memories and then you'll know whats truly in there'' I say as I place my hand on his heart. I haven't touched him for so long, I want to embrace him and wrap my arms around his waist, but instead I remove my hand ''You'll get there, I promise'' I say almost sadly, scared that nothingness he felt towards me is real.

''When I've finally figured it out will it be worth it?'' He turns to me; this is his opportunity for him to see how I feel about him. I don't tell him I love him, I don't think I could face the embarrassment of him not loving if I did so instead I nod my head and hold his hand and say...

''Yeah, it will'' he'll know what I mean.

''Maybe for now we could just be friends?'' Friends. It's better than nothing I suppose.

''Sure'' I reply almost happily, I suppose I should be grateful for him suggesting it but that doesn't stop the doubt inside me telling me that just being friends won't work.

He smiles, gets up and heads to the door, as he's walking he turns round and says

''Thank You'' and he leaves out the door. I watch him walk towards his own house, even though he's only across the road, he's further away from me than ever.

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**Soooooo what did you all think?! I will admit I was pretty happy with this chapter and I think it's alot better than the others. Okay so do you remember in the first chapter I said I'll see the response I get from the first three chapter and then I'll decide whether or not to continue? Well as chapter three is now up I'd like you all the review the story so far and tell me if you would like me to continue as I don't want to be writing a story if no one is reading it. I'll see how many reviews and follows I get and then I'll decide from that if I should carry on writing this story. If you would like me to continue I would love to hear some of your ideas for future chapters as my own ideas are suffering from writers block If I do decide to continue, Chapter 4 will be uploaded next week sometime as I am going to London for the weekend and I might not get chance to write over the weekend plus I will have no internet. But then again I might get bored in London and decide to write another chapter and I'll upload it as soon as I get back. So please review and follow the story if you would like me to continue and if I do I'll see you all next chapter **

**P.S Sorry for the really long Authors Note**


	4. Chapter 4

**To those of you who didn't read the authors note I posted earlier this week , I have decided to continue this story! *happy face* also in the authors note I mentioned my laptop had gotten a virus, well I am pleased to say my Dad got rid of the virus which means I can access all my files again and give you the next chapter. I have to admit, I suffered with writers block with writing the chapter so sorry if it isn't as good as previous chapters. Anyway here is chapter 4...**

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My ragged screams pour into the silent air, I jolt upwards and familiarise myself with the walls of my bedroom. I turn my head to the clock that lies on bed side table, _6:36am. _I have made it through the night, barely. The nightmares are much stronger than ever before. Faces of lost people haunt me every night. I have to re-live my past over and over, I have to re-live my sister's death more times that I can bear. But the worst part is, I have to face them all alone. Without Peeta here to tame nightmares, the rising sun is my only consolation.

I take another look at the clock _6:40am. _Deciding returning to sleep would just be another way for more terror to visit me I decide to take a shower. Very rarely I sleep in past 7am, that's if the haunted and twisted memories haven't visited me that night but like I said, very rarely.

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I stand examining my naked reflection in the mirror. Once again I familiarise myself with the scars that tear away at my rough and ragged skin. Each and every one holds just another bad memory, the memories that will mark me forever as broken. These scars can be covered though, but what about the other ones? The ones that lay deep within, the ones that can only be felt. The scars of trauma and fear, the scars of lost lives.

Dr Aurelius tells me things will get better, it's a healing process. But how long can one process linger on for? I lost all hope of recovery the moment I returned to District 12 but as I've been told many a time, life goes on.

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Once again my breakfast from Greasy Sae ends up in the bin. Losing all motivation to eat is causing me to wear away. My ribs are somewhat visible and my fragile bones barely allow me to walk from room to room. I'll drive myself to death from starvation. A situation I managed to narrowly escape before, nothing new I guess.

I decide I'll start work on the book Dr Aurelius and Greasy Sae suggested. A book about the faces that once roamed the Districts before they were pushed into an ongoing battle with no sight of victory on the horizon.

Maybe it will help me heal, but I doubt it. So many techniques have been tried on me, all without success. However, it may help me come to terms with the deaths of those who I loved. I hear a knock on the door. I open it and see Peeta. Even though we agreed to be friends, neither of us have been willing to visit the other so seeing him standing there comes as a bit of a shock.

''Hey'' he says with an almost happy tone

''Hi'' I reply with not even half the amount of enthusiasm, I look at him expectantly.

''Can I come in?'' he asks, I move to the side so he can get past me. ''Can I sit down?'' he says when he enters the living room. I nod

''Did you want something?'' I ask

''I brought you some cheese buns and cookies''

''Thanks'' I reply trying to sound at least a bit grateful. I take them off him and place them on the kitchen table

''Promise me they won't end up the bin'' he jokes with a serious tone. I look up he seems startled by my sudden attentiveness.

''What?'' I ask almost angrily

''The bin, well that's where most of your food ends up right, Greasy Sae told me your not eating properly'' How dare she, she has not right to go around spreading my business even if it is only to Peeta.

''She had no right to tell you that, and for your information I am eating properly, she just doesn't see me'' I reply snappily.

''Come on Katniss, do you really think I was born yesterday? You only have to take one look at you to realise you've had a lack of food. I didn't think you'd want to end up in that position again!'' He snaps ''Greasy Sae told me because she cares about you! You should be grateful you have her looking out for you!'' His tone becomes somewhat calmer and quieter ''I care for you'' for some reason I feel guilty.

''I'm sorry, I just-'' Peeta cuts me off

''It doesn't matter, I just worry about you. Just promise me you'll at least eat the cheese buns and cookies''

After he went to the trouble of baking them for me I owe it to him to eat them. Besides, he's right I don't want to end up in the situation I was in and waste away.

''I promise.'' I reassure him desperate to change the subject.

''Haymitch told me your working on a book'' he tells me

''Haymitch?'' I ask confused, I haven't seen him in weeks so I didn't think he'd know

''Yeah I saw him last week when I took him round a loaf of bread. Greasy Sae told him so I figured I could help you'' he asks with a slight flicker of hope

''I wouldn't call it working on it...I haven't started'' I admit ''I've thought about what I should include but I can't bring myself to start...too many memories'' He nods like he understands, I wouldn't doubt that he didn't for a second, he's been through just as much as I have if not worse.

''Maybe I could help you start off then?'' I don't see how he could help to be honest, his memories are clouded with lies and deception. I consider this for a moment but then I realise this book may be his only way to fill in the blanks in his memories.

''Sure'' I tell him besides I'll be glad not to face this alone and I think spending time with Peeta may be good for me.

''Thanks, maybe it'll help get us back on track...as friends I mean'' he says as if stealing the thoughts straight from my head.

''Maybe'' I reply.

''I'd better be going, I have another batch of bread to bake'' He smiles and gets up to leave, I stop him before he does.

''Tomorrow, that's when we'll start the book'' I state

''Tomorrows great'' he replies and with that he's out the door

I can't help the butterflies that feature in my stomach. Being back in the presence of Peeta makes me all giddy. I suddenly feel excited for tomorrow.

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**I hope you liked that Chapter! I want to take the process of Katniss and Peeta growing back together slowly and I think the book may be a perfect way to do that. I'm sorry the chapters are quite short at the moment, I feel I could probably squeeze two chapters into one which I may start doing. Let me know if you would prefer longer chapters which means less chapters or shorter chapters which means more chapters. I personally don't mind, if you don't let me know I'll do a mixture of both. Also I'm thinking I may start working Peeta's POV into future chapters so that we can see how he feels and his thoughts as I don't think they are coming across that much so also let me know how you feel about that aswell. You know what to do now...review! I'm hoping for at least 3 reviews till the next update and it would mean a lot of I hear from you! We can reach that incredibly small number can't we?! Once again thanks for reading and let me know what you think as I also appreciate your feedback! See you in Chapter 5!:) **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank You to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I was like 'ahhhhh reviews!' They all made me smile and thank you to those of you who suggested ideas, I will try to work them into the next few chapters. I don't have much more to say so without further ado I give you Chapter 5...**

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I release my arrow and my usual shot through the eyes is replaced with the arrow heading straight for an opposing tree. My hunting abilities have somewhat dwindled since my return to District 12, but lately I have allowed myself to become familiar with the surrounding woods once again. Deciding I'll just have to settle for the squirrel I shot earlier, I head home absorbing as much of my surroundings as I do.

I can't help but wonder what my meeting with Peeta later today will bring. Even thought we agreed to be friends that sense of awkwardness when we're around each other doesn't seem to fade. I love Peeta, I do, but in what way? I'm not sure. But that's not what bothers me, today we said we would start the memorial book. I'm not sure if I'm ready to face the faces of Lost People, re-live my past just like I do almost every night when the nightmares visit me. My mind is racing faster than it has in a long while. Part of me wishes that I hadn't agreed to this, that I should have let the past nibble away at me till I can no longer function. But the other, louder part of me longs to be with Peeta for the sense of familiarity he brings with him besides I know that we both need closure on the past. How are we expected to move on if we can't outlive our old life?

My trek home takes longer than usual as I continue to stay wrapped up in my own thoughts. The promise of new life District 12 holds is somewhat comforting, but the memories still stand strong and linger amongst the ashen streets of the District.

* * *

''Did you go hunting this morning?'' Peeta asks as he takes a seat on the sofa

I nod and look at him with my brow furrowed in confusion

''I saw you leave when I opened my curtains this morning'' he says clearly noticing my confusion

''Oh'' I reply and try my best to keep the conversation going rather than giving one word answers to everything he asks ''I didn't catch much though, only a squirrel, it'll make a nice stew though'' It's just as well too, Squirrel stew is about the only think I can cook that's deemed at least edible.

''Did you eat the cheese buns and cookies I gave you yesterday that you promised to eat?'' He asks me with his eyebrows raised

''Yes'' which is the truth, Peetas right, I don't want to re-visit the starving state my 12 year old self was in all those years ago. ''You can check the bin if you don't believe me'' I tell him

''No I'm good thanks, I trust you'' he chuckles

For some reason his comment makes me relax, to know that he's on a process to trust me again is a relief, even if it is only trust about me eating.

''So are we starting this book or not?'' he asks patiently

I nod and take the resources we'll be using from the side and take a seat on the sofa opposite him. I'm scared sitting next to him will make him feel too uncomfortable I don't want to trigger off any twisted memory of his.

''I was thinking maybe we could have a page for each person, stick a picture of them and draw a sketch of them and write something about them at the bottom. Who they were to us, about them, how they died'' I tell Peeta. I see him smile at my suggestion as he gently and curiously looks at the pictures I have managed to gather of the people I want to remember. Peeta looks up at me

''Sounds great'' he tells me ''we could include the memories we shared with them...the happy ones''

''You'll do the drawing and I'll do the writing if you don't mind''

''That's fine'' he tells me ''you're better at words anyway'' That's a lie I think, but I don't argue. It's probably just one of the many muddled memories that swim around in his brain.

One, two, maybe three hours pass and we work on the book. One by one we take a picture of picture someone and Peeta will sketch an almost identical resemblance. He's so talented when it comes to drawing, he can express his feelings through one line in ways I couldn't express mine in an essay. Whilst Peeta sketches I write something about that person before adding in any happy memories I shared with them. I then pass the page to Peeta so he can include anything he wants to say. We manage to get through my father, Cinna, Portia, Finnick and Peeta's famiy in just less than 3 hours. I could sense Peeta's hesitation as we wrote about his family, I could see him looking at me through the corner of my eye as he tried to fight off any memory about me killing his family. Occasionally I would hear him whisper 'not real' as the haunted memories would come back to him. Thankfully none of these memories turned into a full blown flashback.

As eve approaches we agree to complete one more page, it's only when I see who the next picture is of when I start to wish we hadn't, it's Prim. Peeta seems to notice my hesitation as he asks me

''Katniss if you want we can stop now, I'll understand'' I consider this for a moment but realise if I don't do this now, I never will.

''No I'm fine'' I assure him and hand him the photo. She looks beautiful, her blonde hair flowing around her shoulders instead of her usual braids. I remember that day so clearly in my mind, her birthday, the day I brought her goat home. She looked so happy; she had her whole life ahead of her. That's before it was snatched away from her so cruelly, something that I can't help but feel responsible for.

I manage to write the letter _Primrose Everd- _before tears start to prick my eyes. I can't do this, I can't. I try to tolerate and persevere but realise I can't as tears start to fall on the page and begin to smudge my writing. I look up and see Peeta engrossed in his drawing.

''I'm sorry Peeta, I can't do this''

He looks up with concern in his eyes. I don't give him time to comfort me even if he wanted to. I run upstairs to my bedroom and curl up on my bed. I've done it again, I've once again shied away from what I need so desperately to face. I feel so weak, useless. I thought I was getting stronger, able to face her memories, but I'm not. I'm a coward compared to Peeta, he got through his whole family without letting one tear slip. How am I supposed to write about her life if I can barely write her name?

For 5 minutes I'm stuck in my trance until I hear a knock on the door.

''Katniss? Are you okay? Can I come I please come in?'' I hear Peeta's voice speak and I realise I left him helpless downstairs. He cracks the door open just a little as my sobs become harder and tears spill from my eyes. He doesn't ask me this time but comes straight on into my room. He sits on the edge of bed and looks at me with concern. ''I'm worried about you'' he says with gentleness and for a moment I see a glimpse of the old Peeta. Hesitantly he nudges towards me until eventually he wraps his arms around me and holds me close.

''Don't cry'' he sooths to me ''she wouldn't want you to cry, she'd want you to be happy and move on with your life'' and I realise he's right. Prim wouldn't want me to be sad, she'd want me to gratified and blissful, not an emotional-wreck who's depressed and discouraged. After a few minutes my tears calm down and my sobbing becomes quieter. I wipe my tears but stay firmly close to Peeta.

''Thank You'' I tell him, I'm grateful he's here and made me realise I can't live the rest of my life in remorse. Once he knows I'm ok he untangles himself from me and gets up off the bed ready to leave. But before he can I pull him back into bed with me scared to leave his presence.

He climbs back into my bed and once again wraps his arms around me, I rest my head on his chest and listen to the comforting sound of his steady heartbeat.

''Stay with me?'' I ask remembering I asked him this before the Quarter Quell.

He kisses my hair and I smile when I hear him whisper one word that to me means everything will be ok, ''always'' and I drift off into a sleep knowing the old Peeta is on his way back to me.

* * *

**Well? What did you guys think of that chapter? I had a lot of fun writing it so hopefully you all enjoyed it! I'm not sure when the next update will be as tomorrow I receive my GCSE exam results which are a big deal so I will hopefully I will get good results (fingers crossed). Also school starts again in two weeks so I'll be preparing for that as well. PLUS I am going away again on Friday for four days so it's likely the next update will be next week sometime. If I get 5 more reviews I'll upload the next chapter as soon as I get back. I know everyone says it but reviews seriously do make my day! So review and I'll see you all next chapter!:P**


	6. Chapter 6

**I know I promised an update on Monday but I have to admit I really struggled writing this chapter. I started to write it and got about half way through and then I had no idea on where to take the chapter and it really wasn't working so I deleted everything I previously wrote and decided to take this chapter in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT direction then originally planned. The approach I took was a completely opposite to the other so I hope it works well. Anyway enough of my rambling, here is chapter 6. **

* * *

That night, it's not my nightmares that pull me from my sleep. I remember falling asleep contently, with Peeta's arms wrapped tightly around my waist, and my head resting on his chest, for once almost happy. But now the sound of broken cries, the pounding of footsteps, the crashing of objects enters my ears.

I wonder if someone has broken into my room, but realize a moment later that that couldn't have been it. Peeta is much too light of a sleeper; he would have woken almost immediately, no matter how quiet the intruder was. Then what- it's then I realise Peeta isn't in the bed next to me, and the screams that pierce my ears can only be coming from one person.

I click the nightstand light on which gives off just enough light to reveal Peeta poised in the corner of the room, head in his hands but positioned so that if it came to it, he'd ready to pounce at me at any given second.

''Peeta?'' I ask ever so calmly. Even I can't deny the terror that shows through my voice. He immediately rises his head and his eyes lock with mine, I can't help but feel intimidated. His expression is filled with so much hatred and loathing that I can feel it burning into my skin. My instincts tell me to run, hide after all I am completely vulnerable when he's in this state. I'll only endanger myself by staying but running and hiding won't make anything better, yes it may spare my life but even that doesn't convince me to head toward the door. Beside's Peeta has only just come back to me, I am not prepared to give up and lose him one again.

I carefully climb off the bed and start to approach him

''Stay away from me!'' He growls, I'm not prepared to give up just yet so continue toward him cautiously. ''I said stay away from me mutt!'' He pounces upwards and launches me back onto the bed.

My eyes close for a moment, I want this to be a nightmare. We're still asleep, Peeta is perfectly fine and my life isn't endangered. But I know all too well that growls I hear are all to realistic to be just a feature of my sleep. When I open them again, he's glaring at me, but he isn't moving towards me, much to my relief.

''Peeta'' I manage to squeeze out ''Not real''

His eyes flash, and I catch a glimpse of black in them. No blue is now visible in them. The tenderness is gone, too, leaving only harshness.

''Mutt, MUTT! You killed them, you killed them all! Now you're going to pay Katniss Everdeen!''

''No Peeta, not real!'' I plead ''They lied to you!''

I take a step forward, wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him. What's happening isn't his fault; it's the Capitol's, even though I blame myself just as much as them. Much like all I do for all the other catastrophic things that have happened to us. I take one, two, three steps forward, and he doesn't move. His body is so tense that I can see his muscles exposed through his t-shirt.

''No you're the liar!'' He growls as he reaches across to a vase on the cabinet that sits in the corner of the room. My body see's what coming before my mind does, I duck just before he launches the vase in my direction. It hits the wall just above the nightstand and it shatters into a thousand tiny pieces.

I crouch just below him startled and in no position to defend myself if he decided to launch at me. I stand up and grab his wrists. I stare into his black, remorseless eyes. I can't see the boy I love at all. The only thing I can see is someone who has been hijacked by the Capitol, someone who is broken, lost and probably terrified from what he sees in his mind. I can feel my eyes stinging.

I keep my grip firmly on his wrists as he struggles to free himself.

''Peeta whatever you see in there it's not real! Its lies Peeta! It's me Katniss, I'm not going to hurt you! I would never hurt you'' This seems to calm him so I loosen my grip before completely letting go of his wrists. He slumps to floor and sits with his head in his hands once again. He rocks himself back and forth sobbing. Tears prick in my eyes at his metal pain. Hasn't he hurt enough? I can hear himself softly mumbling 'not real' over and over to himself. I carefully sit next to him and wait for him to come back to reality.

One, two, maybe three minutes pass and he still struggles to come out from this living nightmare. I wait for him to stop rocking then I hesitantly place my hand on his back and rub my thumb slowly. He looks up startled, the blue has once again returned to his eyes.

''Katniss?'' his voice his hoarse and scared, only to be expected after what he just went through

''Yes Peeta, it's me'' I speak soothingly. Thank God his flashback is over. Once again he starts to cry, but not with terror, with guilt.

''I'm sorry Katniss, I'm so sorry'' I manage to hear between his sobs. I wrap my arms around the vulnerable bundle he now is and rest my head on his back.

''I know Peeta, I know you didn't mean it'' I assure him. He pulls away from my embrace, wipes the tears away and stand up.

''I just woke up and you were sleeping next to me. I didn't know how I got in your bed and the hijacking memories over took and-''

''Shh'' I soothe ''I understand''

''I could've killed you'' He says almost shocked at what he is capable of

''But you didn't Peeta'' I assure him.

''But you didn't! You came back to reality before you did and that's all that matters!''

''What about next time? What if I don't? I couldn't live with myself if I did anything to hurt you'' he says tears threatening to take over him once again. I step forward ready to wrap my arms around him but before I can he steps away. ''I'm sorry Katniss, but I don't trust myself around you right now'' Before I can reply, he's out the door.

* * *

**Okay so I am really unsure about this chapter. I found it really hard to write! I know it's an awful chapter so I do apologise, even though it's a bad chapter I'd appreciate if you'd review to give me inspiration for the next chapter? Thanks**


	7. Chapter 7

**I decided to keep the last chapter instead of change it as I came up with an idea for this next chapter, however I did change the ending ever so slightly. I got rid of the line 'we can't be friends anymore' because I feel that line was going a bit too far. So anyway here is chapter 7...**

* * *

There is no sign of Peeta the next day. Or the day after that. Or for the rest of the week. I can't help but feel that the flashback that overcame him that night is the reason for his noticeable absence, he seemed abashed by the fact that he could have seriously harmed me, or worse, but I know that deep down he would have come back to me before the situation ever got to that point.

Two weeks quickly pass and still no sign of Peeta coming to visit me shows.

* * *

I wake up screaming, bury my head in my pillow and wrap my arms around myself. I search desperately for the same comfort that I once had, the comfort that Peeta provided, the comfort that I can't deny I want, need. _Is this how it's going to be? _Every night being petrified of what the night holds, every morning awaking screaming desperately trying to ground myself back to reality, every day wishing, hoping Peeta will show up.

_He's doing this to protect you Katniss, he's scared of hurting you. _But he has hurt me. He's hurt me emotionally. How can he do this? Tell me he wants to be friends and then not show for who knows how long? Yes, he could have killed me but he didn't and that's what matters. I need his light in my life, just when I thought I'd lost my way his presence gave me strength to carry on living. I can't help but feel he needs me too, he's fragile, I'm fragile, but together we can pick up the pieces and try fill in the cracks in our life. We both need a friend to rely on, and we can be that to each other, I don't care about the possibility of just maybe he may return to his hijacked self and hurt me, besides, how can we live with all the maybes?

I can't face this anymore. I need him in my life, maybe just as friend, maybe as more. But I guess we won't know unless he learns to trust himself around me. I turn to look at the clock _6:37am _too early to go to Peetas house? Probably. But he's an early riser he won't mind, besides, the sooner the better.

I change out of my pyjamas and into the first thing I find and then I'm out the door and on my way to Peeta's house. I approach closer to his house where the surrounding air smells so tangibly of freshly baked bread, I end up quickening my pace. Before I know it I'm standing outside his front door where I can hear him working in the kitchen. I take in a deep breath and gently knock on the door careful not to worry him as to why someone is knocking at his door at this early hour. He opens the door quickly and as I expected a look of worry is pasted on his face.

''Katniss?'' he says with confusion as well as worry overtaking his voice ''What's wrong?''

''Nothing'' I speak as I stare into those sparkling blue eyes that can always bring some kind of hope to me. He stares down at his feet almost guiltily.

''Look Katniss I'm sorry'' he says and I know he means it.

''Well if you let me inside and give me a cup of that yummy hot chocolate you make I might just forgive you'' I wink at him and give him a cheeky grin. With all the upset we've faced we need to joke around every so often besides, we deserve to. He returns the grin with a little less enthusiasm than I hoped but it'll do, he moves to the side so I can get past him.

I sit down in his living room and take in the aroma of bread and cookies whilst Peeta makes me a cup of hot chocolate. When he returns from the kitchen and sits by me, I can't help but acknowledge a sense of tensity that looms in the air. Peeta takes a deep breath as if to speak, but he remains silent. A few more minutes pass when the silence is becoming too loud to listen to so I speak up.

''Look Peeta, I don't want us to not be friends because of your-'' I can't find the right word to say ''-condition. You hurt me when you didn't come to see me. I thought we promised to be friends''

''We did. I mean we are! It's just that night when I had a flashback really scared me. I lost all trust in myself to be around you.'' He stammers on his words ''I could've killed you!''

''But Peeta you didn't! You came back to me before you did! I know that you would never hurt me and I think deep down you know that too!'' My voice is pleading now.

''No Katniss I don't! What if next time I don't come back in time! What if-'' I cut him off

''Forget about what if Peeta'' I say softly ''I care about you too much''

He is staring at me intently now.

''I care about you too Katniss and that's why I'm staying away from you, to protect you'' Typical Peeta. Always caring for me, protecting me to the extent where he won't bring himself to be near me.

''Please Peeta. I need you'' My voice is barley a whisper now. I take his hand and stare deep into his eyes ''you're the only friend I have, please don't leave me again. I've only just got you back'' a tear slips down my cheek and Peetas own eyes are glassy with a coat of tears threatening to spill. He looks up at me and smiles

''Okay'' he says ''But just promise me one thing, if I ever put you in any danger, run. Don't try and get me back, just run somewhere you can be safe, promise?'' he almost begs me

''I promise'' I assure him. I pull him for a hug. The more we fall, the harder we must climb and we fell hard, but with the help of each other, maybe the path of recovery may not be a long one.

''Would you like to stay and eat breakfast with me?'' Peeta asks me

''I'd love to'' I reply ''Cheese buns sounds good to me'' I hint.

''Coming right up!'' Peeta laughs.

* * *

**So The Hunger Games DVD was FINALLY released in the UK yesterday and I got my copy! I was planning on updating yesterday but I was too busy watching it (sorry). I hope you liked that chapter, sorry it was quite 'normal' but I have got some drama planned out for this story in later chapters. I'm not sure when I'll next be able to update as the summer holidays are now over and I go back to school tomorrow:( Most of my updates will be at the weekend because I'll have so much work from school to do. If I get another 7 reviews for this chapter I'll upload the next chapter by Friday. **

**P.S I'm looking for someone to Beta this story, anyone interested?**


	8. Chapter 8

**I can not tell you just how sorry I am for not updating! I'll be honest, I did lose all my inspiration for the story, but as I got into writing this chapter my inspiration returned. I hope you will still love this chapter even thought it took SO LONG for me to update it. **

* * *

I stare at him intently as he tries to fixture every intimate detail of Finnick's face onto to paper that lays before him. The way his pencil moves over the paper can make a blank sheet come alive with shading and a range of charcoal lines to produce some of the most beautiful images my eyes have clasped sight on. He's so wrapped up in his work that he doesn't notice my stare. I can tell that he's giving so much of himself to this project, trading what he can for fragments of days and memories from so long ago. I watch his eyes glance over to table and he places his pencil down. He reaches over to grasp a piece of paper containing blue, green yellow and white. The picture I drew last night of the meadow before the rebellion, before the green of the grass became a heap of brown, before the yellow of the flowers turned into a dusty grey, before the blue sky became ridden with fog and mist.

Did you draw this?" he asks, his eyes still on the drawing.

"Yes," I reply. And I'm surprised by how he smiles. It's a smile that brings an unexpected flush of warmth inside of me, extending upwards until I reciprocate the motion before I even realize it. It feels strange on my face, but it's familiar enough that I'm sure I could do it again.

He looks at me. "It's very good."

I'm tempted to tell his are better, but I take the compliment needing a reason to smile and I softly whisper a thank you. He places the drawing at the front of the book where empty pages lie.

''We don't have to use it. I know it's not as good as you're drawings, don't feel you have to put it in out of politeness'' I say

He softly shakes his head his eyes pictured on the book as he positions my drawing

''I'm not doing it out of politeness; I'm doing it because it's a beautiful drawing and it deserves a place at the front of the book. Besides it's _our _book, I want you to have a part in drawing as well''

"It was a fluke," I state, not mentioning the fact that he wasn't supposed to see it and that it should have stayed upstairs locked away in my bedside draw.

He shrugs. "Maybe, but that doesn't mean to say it isn't good" he says ''you can draw some more if you like'' he says handing me some paper and a pencil, I push them away and shake my head.

''No thanks, it was a one off, I'd rather stick to continuing my illustrations''

He nods ''Okay'' he pauses ''you're better at remembering anyway'' he says looking back at the half full book. That's when it hits me that Peeta isn't only doing this book to help me, he _needs_ it more than I do. I only want to keep Prim, Rue, Cinna and the other close to me for as long as I can, but Peeta? He needs this book to remember everything that's happened in his life accurately, to not be haunted by bad memories of evil and loathing. He wants to be _himself _again.

He clears his throat to speak ''How about we go somewhere? Take a picnic and live for ourselves for a few hours instead of remembering everything we lost. It might even be fun''

I take in his words and decide a break from our usual routine would be good for us.

''Okay''

* * *

By late afternoon we're out the house walking to nowhere in particular. Peeta holds to picnic basket in one hand whilst the other hangs dangerously close to mine. We walk in silence taking in our surroundings. Women holding their child's hand as they return home from collecting them from school, men all pulling together and helping re-build the district, Haymitch stumbling around drunk as he collects his liquor from the train not even noticing us as we pass. It's the first time I've seen him since we returned to District 12. Peeta must notice me looking back as Haymitch fades into the distance.

''Sae says he getting along ok, I almost went to see him this morning and take him some bread but he left before I got there'' Peeta tells me.

I can't help but feel guilty at how we have practically abandoned our old mentor; after all he did save our lives, _twice_.

''Tomorrow'' I say to Peeta ''...we'll go and visit him tomorrow'' he nods.

Peeta decides we've reached our destination and motions me to stop. We're on top of a hill on the outskirts of the district that overlooks the town. I decide I like it here and sit down on the blanket that Peeta has laid out. For a moment we sit looking over the District, overlooking the promise of new life and the newfound purpose for living. The District will make it through. Ever since the overthrow of the Capitol we've become strong, stronger than ever. A let a tear escape, not out of sorrow, but for my people, the people I fought for, the people who suffered so gravely from my actions, the people who can pick up and move on so easily they deserve my tears. I'm pulled from my trance when Peeta taps my shoulder, I wipe the tear before he can notice and turn to face him. He's busy getting out the food.

''Would you err...like a cheese bun?'' he asks

Without thinking I reply ''Always''

His hands come to a stop, he looks up at me with intensity as if something has just registered in his mind. That night before the Quarter Quell, when I asked him to stay with me and he replied 'always', the night when I realised that Peeta's life was worth more than my own.

Peeta moves his lips as if to say something, but instead shakes his head and looks back down towards the basket as if to shake the thought away. ''Here'' he says as he hands me a cheese bun. We enjoy our evening, chatting, laughing whilst looking over the district as the sun begins to set. We take in the colours, the muted orange merging with reds as it contrasts the yellow turning the sky into a sheet of tinted pink. It's beautiful. I so absorbed within the colours that I barely hear Peeta speak

''My favourite colour is orange, the muted orange just like the sunset, real or not real?''

''Real'' I reply. He nods as if to agree to what I said. He doesn't ask any more and I don't push him to remember anything else. It's just as I'm about to pack up when he grabs my arm and motions me to stop.

He looks at me with strange determination. Then he says, "I've missed you, Katniss."

For a moment I sit there staring at him trying to register what he said, taking in the words. He must see my confusion as I stare at him with fuzzled eyebrows.

''I've missed how we used to be on the nights on the train'' _so he remembers them now_ ''I've missed how were in the Quell, the way we both depended on the other even though we both planned on being dead and the other living'' he hesitates ''I've missed the way I felt about you'' he finally states in almost a whisper ''I've missed normal''

Normal? How can all the destruction, pain, sorrow be normal? Then again, we do live in District 12. I don't press the issue any further though, who am I to tell him this isn't normal when he's been through a hijacking and had his mind twisted and turned. I mirror what he said to me

''I've missed you too Peeta'' _so much. _I smile at him and he curves his lips in the same way before packing away himself.

* * *

I guess we're finally going to see Haymitch. I haven't spoken to him for so long; it's a strange reality to think about when I realize he lives across the lawn from me, always so close to my life.

We knock but we both know that there's no point. Thankfully, the door is unlocked and we let ourselves in. The stale stench of booze and filth stings my nostrils just as my eyes are forced to adjust to darkness. This is Victors' Village, where all the houses are the same. And yet it's strange to see just how differently one can live from the other.

"Haymitch?" Peeta calls out whilst reaching out for a switch to turn on a light which flickers before reaching a relatively sustainable amount of light "Haymitch, we've brought food."

"It's no use," I half-whisper, but Peeta either doesn't hear me or pretends not to. He walks ahead of me toward the kitchen.

"Haymitch?" Peeta calls out again.

We smell him before we see him. He's at the kitchen table holding a mug of ale, looking and smelling like he's been there ever since we last saw him. The floor is strewn with empty bottles and trash

"Haymitch," Peeta says tentatively, approaching the kitchen table. "We brought food."

"Food," Haymitch repeats. "The baker boy brought food."

"bread" I clarify, rounding the doorway and standing next to Peeta so that Haymitch can clearly see me. His eyes widen and he tilts his head, but then he shrugs back into his hunched over position – the position of someone too drunk to hold himself up.

"We brought you honey buns to soak the alcohol from your system. Looks like we should've brought more''.

But he disregards me and just sizes us both up, head to toe. "Finally decided to make an appearance aye"

"We had no reason not to" I say firmly. "We saw you coming back from the train last night"

''You shouldn't have bothered, I'm just fine'' he states

''You don't look like it to me, you're drunk'' Peeta tells him

"You're observant." Haymitch says with a grandiose swing of his arms that causes some of his ale to spill onto the floor. "This is how I always live my life. Or have you forgotten?"

Peeta's features darken and I have to intervene before Haymitch says something that could set him off.

''We're here out of good will Haymitch, it's the least we could do after you saved our lives, you're our mentor''

"I'm not your mentor," he retaliates harshly. "I'm not anybody's mentor anymore'' he says before turning away from us ''and I don't need your _good will. _I'm fine on my living how I do, what else is there for me to do?''

''You could try picking up your life and starting over like most people are trying to do instead of acting liking a recluse'' Peeta says harshly.

''What like you, you mean?'' Haymitch says with a snigger.

''Yes, like us" Peeta retaliates ''Now that the war is over, things are changing. Maybe you'd see if you took some time to walk through our district sober, for once. Things are getting better out there, and we're getting better, too. We're not acting."

"I doubt it. All of this," he says, swinging his arm around him, "doesn't just leave you. It sticks with you. And that's when you stop fighting it and take to drink."

Peeta slams the tray of bread so suddenly on the table that I can't keep from jumping.

"You're weak," he spits at Haymitch.

''I'm not weak'' Haymitch shouts as he jolts up from his chair ''I'm living life how it should be'' he says before letting out a howling laugh.

I rest my hand on Peeta's arm and whisper to him, "Let's just go. Maybe we can visit again when he's not as drunk." But I know that day won't come.

Peeta stares at Haymitch whose still cackling and shakes his head at him before leading the way out of the door.

* * *

**I hope you liked that chapter, again I'm so sorry for the late update. Please review as I've been pretty down lately as I've been under so much pressure with school. I'll try and get the next chapter up this week but I have a Maths GCSE exam on Tuesday and a whole lot of work! If I get another 5 reviews I'll make sure the next chapter is uploaded by Wednesday. I'm still looking for a beta, anyone interested? Thank you reading and please tell me what you thought. **


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